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M251S

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This book gives an explanation of Bowen's family system theory. The first half of the book is heavy on the theory, and then the second half gets into a little bit of how to use it in real life. It doesn't read like a self-help book, and Gilbert gets props for not using words like "codependence" and other jingoistic psychobabbly words. She's completely blunt and realistic, and it's all well-written. The basic theory is this: in order to have good relationships, you have to be a well-differentiated, individual self. This means that you have solid boundaries, and you can relate to other people without "lending and borrowing" the self, as Gilbert says. Or in my view, you can be friends with people without trying to become them or making them become you. Ironically, in order to work on being a differentiated self you have to do the work through your relationships. None of us are perfectly differentiated, so we can all improve our basic selves and our relationships. The less differentiated we are, the more anxiety in our relationships (because we get all tense about them), and the more they take on the following five postures, which can relieve anxiety in the short term but only mess things up more over time: conflict, distancing, triangling, under/over-functioning, and cut-off. Probably the most important aspect of this theory is that undifferentiation and relationship postures are carried on from generation to generation. So it's not really your parents fault, but yes you learned it all from them, and they learned it from their parents, etc etc. Also your own level of differentiation and the postures you adopt in relationships are based on how you interacted with your entire family of origin, not just your parents. Gilbert stresses that in order to move up the scale of differentiation and have better relationships, we have to go back to our original families and work on our relationships there. This doesn't involve changing anyone else or acting like a therapist- all it involves is changing ourselves, and the way we relate to everyone else. There is a lot more, I'm only scratching the surface here. I am so glad I found this book, because it is convincing and explains everything clearly. I am motivated to try to work on myself, and I have some idea of how to proceed. Other books I've read on the subject were too barfy and jargony, or they touched on the surface of the issues without getting to the heart of the matter.

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Reviewed in the United States on June 28, 2008

Verified Purchase

J. Lyda

Massapequa, US

★★★★★ 5

Superb!

Format: Paperback

This was my first read on Bowen Family Systems. I was pleasantly surprised at the value and relevance of the ideas. For example, that all intimate relationships produce some anxiety in the partners! We cope with that anxiety using behaviors which may cause excessive 'distancing' from our loved one.(Something of a push-pull going on here). Another simple idea is that keeping some type, any type, of connection (ie. avoiding a 'cut off') with members of our family of origin (brother, sister, parent, child) is vital to having good relationships with our chosen loved ones. I don't recall ever hearing that idea before. Unlike many psychological revelations, this one is fairly simple to assess in our own lives - just look at your family of origin and see what kind of relationships you have! Gilbert is realistic that big changes in ourselves are not likely, but even incremental small steps forward can have profound impact on our relationships. Gilbert is a very good writer, with occasional (rare?) understated humor, which makes the material easy to access for anyone interested enough to try. Highly recommended.

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Reviewed in the United States on March 8, 2008